Not Female, Just Shiny

I am a shiny male Nidoran.

I am called "shiny" because I am a member of my species who is differently colored from normal. Most members of my species are violet-colored, but my fur is blue.

Before people could tell the difference between male and female Pokémon, my species was classified as two, because males and females differ so much in our species. Females are smaller, with shorter ears and horns. As females grow up, they learn different things and evolve differently. The coloration between males an females is also different, which is extremely rare for a single species. The females are blue, while the males are violet.

But, sometimes, a male Nidoran is born blue, or a female Nidoran is born violet. As with all Pokémon, the chances of being born a different color are very, very slim. Shinies, as we are called, are prized among Trainers for our rarity and our unique coloration. But I have never felt rare or prized. I just feel wrong.

Because I was born in the wild, where Trainers don't go, I was declared female after I hatched. My mother and father gave me a female name, and as I grew up, I believed I was female. It never occurred to me that I could be shiny – after all, such things are so rare.

As I grew older, I found I was different from other female Nidoran. I wasn't interested in male Nidoran the way they were, or interested in the same things as them. I found myself more and more playing with the males of my species. Soon, I found out that I didn't have the small ears and horns that the females did. I looked more like my friends – boys. I wasn't female; just a shiny.

I denied it at first. After all, what are the chances? A shiny is very rare, happening maybe to about one in eight-thousand Pokémon. Of course I was just a female Nidoran. It was coincidence... Lots of females had bigger horns or spikes on their bodies. Mine were just a little bigger than most. Some girls didn't like the idea of being mates with a male – they preferred to choose only females as their mates. I was odd, certainly, but definitely not male, and especially not shiny.

The few times I brought it up, it was denied. I was a normal girl who was just... strange at times. But I felt ashamed of being a "normal girl". I tried to get extra dirty in the morning to cover up my coloring, and then I looked just like a very dirty male. I was filthy and all covered up, but I somehow felt clean and free, covering up my colors. I was putting on a disguise, but when other wild Pokémon saw me as a normal boy, I felt like I had taken a disguise off.

One day, I met another boy. At first, he and I both thought he was a female, because he was shiny, like me. But when he came to understand he was a male, only shiny, so he looked female. I thought to myself how odd that was. But deep down, I know. I denied it, and I worked harder to be female. I sought the attention of male Nidoran and made myself beautiful so I felt good. I wasn't male. I just... I had poor self-esteem. I needed to feel good about myself. I needed to groom more, to tuck flowers into my fur, sharpen my teeth and bath in fragrant waters. That was all.

That boy, that shiny male Nidoran, became my best friend. We became close. His struggles became mine. We were inseparable, like littermates. We still are. Soon, he became able to present himself as the boy he was, and I was happy for him. Other Pokémon never saw him as a strange girl, only a normal male Nidoran. His parents accepted and supported him. Myself, and our friends, supported him. And he always, always supported me.

The longer time went on, the more I fell into despair. I didn't feel like a girl, but I couldn't be a boy. I felt like a traitor to my species – neither male nor female. My mate, a true female Nidoran, was one who was attracted to females of our species. She talked about me as her mate – as a female who liked other females. She complimented all the ways I looked female. I only became bitter with her and disgusted with myself. She didn't understand – I was a beautiful female Nidoran, why shouldn't I be happy?

But then I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't keep denying it. But the chances were so slim, after all. How could I be shiny?

But I am.

I am trying to tell my family, but they don't believe me. They don't want to. They know my friend who is shiny and understand that shininess happens, but to them, it is some outside thing, some rare occurrence that just can't happen in their family. I have... other problems, they say. I am confused. Unsure. But they are the ones confused. They don't want me hurt, but they don't understand. I'm not a female – I never have been! I only want to be what I have always been! My color shouldn't matter! I want to learn skills that males do, evolve as males do, create eggs as males do.

I have been trying so hard, and it hurts, knowing I will never be seen as male the way the standard colored males are. I have to fight just to try. What if you are a female, they ask. What if you regret changing yourself this way, learning these moves and living this way, they wonder. But I don't want to change anything – I want to live as I am supposed to. It is obvious – so obvious! – to me that I am male. I cannot imagine, for the life of me, having the faintest doubt in my being a male, however unfortunately shiny I am.

I envy females. I wish, deeply, that I could just blend in with them and consider myself one of them. I wish I could wake up one day and found I've made a mistake, and of course I am a female Nidoran and not shiny at all.

I want to be this way, but I am not. I am male, and I am shiny. I must just learn to cope with it, like Pokémon cope with chronic illness and injury. It is something I must live with and learn to love about myself.

I have created a name for myself – a male name. I have found ways to have other wild Pokémon and Trainers – ones I don't know, even – see me as the male I am. I have changed my cry. I have a female mate, and other Pokémon see us as a normal pair of male and female Nidoran. I hope, soon, I find a special human Trainer who is willing to let me learn skills as a male, and put me in their Pokédex as a male.

I am shiny, but I do not feel prized. My colors are a curse.

However, I am not without hope. One day, I will be able to be the boy I am in this world. I hope, someday soon, that I am able to evolve and have my colors change and no longer matter. For the struggles I have been through and what I have endured, my shininess, my special colors, will mark me as the unique boy I am, and I will be prized for it.